it’s like when Isis was gone for a day
and we put up lost cat posters
on every telephone pole in the neighborhood
it’s like that moment before
the telephone rang and the boy said
oh yeah it’s definitely your cat
it’s like when I kissed you at the airport
and cried when I got on the plane
it’s like the moment before you called a week later
it’s like when Chelsea died
when Chelsea died
when Chelsea was gone
I lost my balance
I stayed late at work
I didn’t come home
I didn’t buy cat food
when I remembered to eat
I almost put my plate on the floor
I almost heard her come running
I learned to sleep without a purr vibrating
through my body
I slept with an absence of warm fur curled
tight to the curve of my chest
without a rhythm to my sleep
without dreams
without a paw on my chest every
morning when my eyes opened
I learned to get up
without a reason to wake up
I did all the usual and expected routines
I did them
I did them well
I did them well but
never felt them
never felt them fit inside my skin
when Chelsea died
when Chelsea died
when Chelsea died
I learned where my equilibrium was
because it wasn’t there anymore
and all my grief was silly and sour and unshown
and all my grief was not worth mentioning
it was only a cat
and if you have not been loved that way
if you have not been loved so well
if you have not been loved that way
by a cat
fourteen years long
if you have not loved that way
if you have not loved so well
if you have not loved that way
fourteen years
then all you know is
it was only a cat
then you don’t know
it’s like when Isis knocked the phone off the hook
and it couldn’t ring
it’s like when I wake up first
and you know we fell asleep together
it’s like the moment before
you walk into the living room
and find me curled on the couch
smiling